Recently I was sick with a terrible cold and I stayed home from work. Unfortunately after several attempts to rest I came to the conclusion that I was restless, and eventually I pulled out a set of small panel canvases and my paints. As I sat at my kitchen table unsure of what would happen next, the blank canvases transformed into the two-panel painting above. I sat there and stared at it for quite some time contemplating where in the hell it came from.
Eight months after my most recent break up, here I sat painting this epic depiction of love and intimacy, with faded memories of the very few, if any loves whom I’ve lost. I’m not entirely sure that I’ve actually ever experienced love in that way.
And then I wondered if we humans are simply in love with the idea of love, or if being "in love" truly exists. If it does exist is it the intoxicating, deep connection that lasts forever or is it something that eventually fades for everyone; where some people experience a hint of it from time to time, some just stay together despite their indifference and others search for that feeling again by moving on to someone else? Do we hold onto this notion of love and pretend that our relationships are fulfilling even when we know deep down that we want more? How many of us settle, how many of us find that true connection and how many of us endlessly search for it?
While I must say that I am the last person to offer relationship advice, I find that I observe others quite often. Given my awesome track record, I probably do this because I’m genuinely curious how it all works. I think that on extremely rare occasions I have had a sort of sense about certain couples who seem to have that lasting love that we all hope for. Unfortunately more often I sense unhealthy relationships filled with anger, jealousy, resentment, fake pretense, and most sadly, indifference. After seeing this so often with others and on occasion even experiencing this in my own life, I can’t help but think that I would rather be alone than live with the alternative.
However every once in a while, I still hope that I might find that person who gets all of my wonderful weirdness, and I get all of him, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I think that this painting represents a sort of hope against all odds, that I will one day experience that unwavering, real closeness. This one's for the LOVE!
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